negativity release

i'm not thinking clearly right now. anger and frustration have clearly taken over my mindset. i'm sick of everything and sick of bothering to deal with it. last night, while watching All That Jazz with my mother, i realized just how precious life can be and how hard it is to realize this until we're about to lose it, but now i'm just fed up and don't want to bother. the trick is to keep yourself fueled on good times in between the bad i suppose, but then i just wonder why the hell we even bother. i've taken a step or few back. i'm lonely. i'm bored. i've lost confidence. i've seen who i really am, what i really am, and it's repulsive. i don't want to bother with all this shit anymore. i don't want to be lonely. i don't want to want. i'd like to have or not want to have. to not be aware of desire. i suppose that is death in a way. that's what makes it such an interesting idea. all i really want is to either get what i want or to stop wanting, and the only way that'll happen is death.

not a happy day.

i brought my audio equipment home and i now doubt it'll have been worthwhile. i can pretty much predict that i'll go the rest of this break without using it. i've fallen into the doldrums i always fall into. nothing's going to get done, i'm going to mope for the next ten days, then get back to boston and have to throw myself into finding a job. fucking shit.

i need to be pragmatic. let's do this shit.

goals for a new year? there's a lot i'd like to accomplish. i'd like to refine some of the bits of shit fiction on my hard drive, i'd like to write more fiction, i'd like to start figuring that novel out, i'd like to start working on Sniper Pimp and have it done and ready to shoot, i'd like to get started on my concept album, i'd like to find confidence, i'd like to find happiness, i'd like to not be dependant on any substance but capable of enjoying my life on my own. i wonder if that's possible anymore...

my goal for this year is as many of those as possible. by this time next year i want as much of that accomplished as possible. i want my album at least ready to record, i want my novel at least outlined, i want sniper pimp at its first draft at least, i want at least 5 short stories in first draft form if not complete. i want to find at least one other article of clothing for me, preferably my jacket, since it's cold in boston and it sucks not having my jacket yet.

tall orders. i should have probably made my goal related to my survival, but fuck that. if i'm not happy, i don't want to survive.