my world is no longer in my hands. i've let it go. it can float on its own power, move about as it pleases. it is a terrifying realization-that the world can turn of its own volition. makes you think. makes you want to slow down. once you realize the world can do just fine on its own, why keep your hands on it? why not let it go? see what happens? maybe it'll roll down the stairs, bouncing whichever way the ridges toss it. is there really any danger? i suppose it's not as much fun, just sitting back watching, but at the moment i just don't know what to do with it. it's just a ball i can't bounce. why have a ball if you can't bounce it?
yes, i've been standing still these past few months. the world's been turning at its same rate but i haven't moved. i've stuck myself just above ground. the world whizzes past me in a blur, eventually lining up to my position, but only every once in a while. at this rate, i need to get moving again. i don't think it's going to come back by any time soon.
when i think about love nowadays, my mind becomes exhausted. it is so full of ideas, theories, that to actually think on the topic effectively a boost is usually necessary, and even then conclusions are not definite. with the current definitions i have, i now struggle to find who it is i should be focusing my energies on. i'm so tired of doubt seeping into every possible social situation, from eye contact to clitoral stimulation, i'm just so tired. i want to be able to turn my brain off, just go through it and not worry.
perhaps that is why i've become dependant.
perhaps that is the problem i need most to fix.
i need to learn how to cook cheap in the next five days. i need to find alternatives to all my habits or i need to shut my desires down completely. until i find a job, i'll have no money to spend. right now i don't think i'll last two weeks in boston. if i don't find a job in two weeks, i'll be broke. i'm not letting that happen again. i will find work.
the thought of working at the WWE is a beautiful dream. in an ideal world, me and Danny would set up a meeting with someone of influence and show them how much we could bring to the company, from more believable character development and stronger story lines to extra help around each show. i really do think this might be what i want to do. the company scares me, its insistence of pandering at all costs to conservative, traditional america, its unflinching hierarchy. i have no intention of bending over for the bosses unless i know i'll enjoy it. watching their broadcasts every week, i think i might be able to take that cock.
deep breaths.
we can do this.
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