grind

if a man commits a series of unspeakable acts, then, years later, realizes the full extent of his actions and repents, should he be allowed to try and mend things with his victims? or are those wounds not worth opening? what is worthwhile?

i've been a slave all my life. a slave to my dick, a slave to the will of others, a slave to common thinking. and i've done terrible things in those times, things i'm sure i could justify and move beyond.

no lies. no excuses. no apologies. i first put those three together over a year ago, now i understand the full intent behind this motto. i want to change. i'm sickened by what i've done, what i've become, and i'm scared that i'll always be this way.

i want to tell her that i understand now and just how sorry i am, but she's gone. do i deserve that closure? do i have a right to try and make myself look better to her now? no. after what i've done, i'll always be that. she saw the real me, hidden amongst the cruelty, and nothing i say can distract from that. i've seen what i am and i'm ready to change. i just need to hear something. anything. i'm close.

"This is an adventure."

that's so true, Mr Anderson.

but it still gets me down.