everyone's living their life in the way they feel everyone should. some people just take it too seriously. someone will see your behaviour and also find it right for them. everyone will have someone.
i'm on a big humanity kick and the boredom and unproductivity are getting me down, so here goes nothing.
i think i'm further from understanding now. i can't tell who i am, what voice is mine, what face is mine. everything is so confused right now. i've lost all place.
wine upsets me greatly. just writing the word here has induced a flow of emotion inside me. hearing it said causes shivers, cringes creep up my spine and push my shoulders into one another. to have to be around it is almost unbearable. it dramatically affects my comfort to the point where eye contact and natural behaviour comes much harder. i will often close up, my eyes will wander more. the smell makes me sick. one tiny hint is all it takes to make me clench my nostrils tight. i often breathe through my mouth when i am around it. you'll notice i have only said it once. just dwelling on it makes me uncomfortable. how the fuck did that happen? i've felt this way since i can remember.
and it's the worst. other forms of alcohol bring similar discomfort, even the mention of the substance can bring it, but none of it is as powerful as wine. (fuck!)
man...what happened to everybody? am i measuring my life through childhood standards? still playing good guys and bad guys? or is everyone else? who is right? is maturity right? or is childishness? and which is which? what is good? what is bad?
i don't fucking know. i have ideas, sure. but i don't KNOW.
that's what this blog is for. i need to find things to know.
i need to figure out what brings on the bad days, the times when i stop caring, the times when i just feel like nothing is worth it and that i wouldn't be happy doing anything other than the nothing i'm doing right now and so i crawl into myself and grumble about how much life sucked and how i'm going to die and it will have all been for nothing and i just get sadder and sadder until every thought brings a new wave of hate and anger and despair.
that shit sucks. i want to figure out why i stop caring. i think it's ADD. i can't be sure. i need to see someone. i won't get anything done unless i get this shit fixed.
if, that is, it's broken....
uncertain times....
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