i've heard a lot of friends tell me that grass will be legalized in the next ten years. I'm afraid i don't share their optimism. Back in the early 60's Lenny Bruce was sayin' the same shit and it's still illegal to possess less than an ounce.
dependancy scares me. i hate the idea that i can't do shit without something; that i can't be happy and functional without an antidepressant or an ADD med or some shit. i'd like to think i could do shit without help, but it's time to either accept that i can't or question what it is i can't do. i want to know what functional is, what it is i'm working for.
last night, i had some kind of epiphanic moment. i understood that none of us asked to be here, but here we are, and we're all just trying to deal. i saw life as one big race between all the species, with humans at the top. i saw everyone, everything, as part of something, but i couldn't grasp what. i was thinking about how our brains are a sort of computer, i was dwelling on emotion, i realized that artificial intelligence IS possible, it just requires such a deep level of programming it would take an almost inconceivable amount of time to make it happen at this point in time. but evolution's still running and we're way ahead of everything else on this earth, so why stop now?
because we don't know what we're heading towards? we've kept ourselves going for so long with tribal stories and visions, but what's REALLY going on? what's the actual end of this road? because we won't be here forever. we'll go extinct eventually, by our own hand or simply because we reached our limit and couldn't evolve any more.
Paul Mooney talks about the strength of the human race, found in the oppressed. He tells how black people got through slavery by humming their way through it. By sitting around and accepting it, waiting for things to get better, knowing damn well they wouldn't see it but that someday, someone would. i guess, in a way, that's life. we're all just humming our way through it, hoping that, eventually, the world will be a better place.
i'm still struggling with this. i'm still not wholly comfortable. i still can't get beyond myself. i still can't devote myself to others. i still want to live a quiet life alone, away from everything, just me and every whim catered to. how selfish can you get.
but we'll figure all this out. to some extent. i don't know if it's our place to know that shit, but i'm not content running a race. i'm not competitive, partially because i know i can't win.
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